Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am human

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am human
Mistakes and problems are part of the territory
Dreams and hope are what derives the nuisance
Of a world who constantly denies my stories
I look out the window for the definition
Of a man, but I can’t see past the reflection
Who is that failure? Do I cater to attrition?
The war the never ends is the reason I’m pessimistic
My ambition is never met with reality
The opportunities? What opportunities? That train I missed it
Because I regularly victimize my existence
And I really do not know who is there to listen
I continually create conundrums, watch my care crumble
What makes sense anymore? One does not simply be humble
With experiencing something excruciating
You know something like doubt
I was never warned of those sunny days I’ve been waiting
On, behind those grey clouds
Are a figment of my hallucination, and nothing more
What can I grab on to keep me sane? I just got my words
And when I decenter myself from my thought
I can see the sunshine and the hint of joy it brought
That glimpse of smile on infant that in that instant
Lived in a third world country in the United States
See my heritage is American, but here I’m a Unitedstatesian
My merits might be unbearable, but I was too an alien
My legality didn’t matter, but my ideas cause a stir
I repress my solitude, allow a new attitude to bear
My past, cuz I swear it was nothing but a blur
This caged bird with broken wings can taste the free air
Yet this prison is what I called home
If I leave my designated space, what would become of me?
Is there more than to be alone?
Philosophizing ain’t nothing but a barrier, see
I stay put, kick it and somehow I’m fed
But I need to see if the world is really dead
At least that’s what amoral authority said
So I can’t stay in place antagonizing my feelings
A confident step to forget myself to reach my ceiling
I got whole lot of potential it ain’t even good
If I can’t help my people in the hood
In the dumps, in the slums, in selected domains
I fight with them because I know their pain
I’m to here to help you, man; Whatever you want me to do, ma’am
I meant I’m able to relate because we are all human

My People's Song

Some days I sit, starin' out the window Watchin' this world pass me by Sometimes I think theres nothin' to live for I almost break down and cry Somtimes I think I'm crazy I'm crazy, oh so crazy Why am I here, am I just wasting my time? But then I see my [people] Suddenly I'm not crazy It all makes sense when I look into [their] eyes This is currently what I feel. As I inch closer to graduation there comes an end to an era. I cannot help be to look in retrospect. There is a greater thought in my mind than my failures. It is on repeat and its taking a toll on me. There really isn’t another thought in the vicinity that overtakes me. So when I heard Hailey’s song, I just sit and think and “watch the world pass me by.” No one sees me, everyone is living their life, and rightfully so. It’s like I trapping myself to these thoughts and I let other things pass me. And I am not going to lie, there have been a few times that I just want to cry. I do break down but out of pride, I don’t let my self weep. So being so lost in my failures, I do think that I wasted my time. I wasted theirs. It was all a waste because I did not amount to anything. At least that’s my take. But then my spirits are lifted. “But then I see my [people].” Man, that’s all it takes. One hug from a kid on the block. One text from the high school students. Unexpected, encouraging words from my peers. I take all that to heart. That’s when I know I must being doing something right. Every thing I do is for my people and nothing else. That’s why that last line is perfect for me. “It all makes sense when I look into [their] eyes.” So when Eminem sings “Sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders Everyone's leanin' on me,” I do have a burden to take but I do not carry it by myself. It’s all better when I see that my people are doing better.

Maybe

All I really yearn for is to be accepted
By my people, for my people dreams resurrected
I ain’t trying to be prophetic
I haven’t written anything in hieroglyphics
But for some reason it’s hard to get my message
My struggle ain’t worth being told, or is it?
Maybe I was meant to be alone
Maybe I don’t got a place to call home
Maybe I’m pursuing something inexistent
Maybe my view of the world is tinted
Maybe no one cares about my beliefs
Maybe you will when it becomes the death of me
It’s kind of hard to translate what I feel
My language is underlined by what’s real
I look in the eyes of my people
Look of despair makes me desperate
I woke up this morning not knowing I was a hero
To bring my community up will make me restless
Sacrificial acts are intuitive, derived from the soul
Sometimes I wish I knew something I did not know
Maybe I will remain the unsung fallen hero
Maybe I will let down those who keep hope
Maybe my dream will cease to exist
Maybe pain and sorrow will always persist
Maybe I will become a simple afterthought
Just as easy to say maybe, I say maybe not

Never Know

I grew up dreamin' of perfect livin'
With gifts wrapped and with ribbons
Wife and kids and comfortable sitting'
Now the light the illuminates is slowly dimmin'
I hate center of attention and self pity
That's why I like to keep my emotions well hidden
If I was ever given a chance
to make an advance
Girl, you'd be secure in my hands and my arms
We could dance under the stars
I rather be with you but I'm here
battling the blues with no tears
I've only got a few years of my youth
So what do I got to do to prove to you
Am I not worth it? I know I ain't perfect
Forget me deservin' anything
I'm falling off the curve, yet i'm learnin'
I've been deserted while awaiting the verdict
I'm trying to be more assertative
Tune down the curses, summon the courage
to break out my cage
I pray every single day to rid of these shackles
Death over me like those on the other side of El Paso
You know, I've never been taught how
But my hope ain't lost now
The conclusion is open ended
With the future yet to be cemented

The roads and boulevards of my thinking

The roads and boulevards of my thinking
are leading me into uncharted territories
I want to be emancipated like the slaves with Lincoln
So I can grow old freely to tell my stories
I got choices to the left and to the right
Darkness covers me, I'm losing my sight
What is the path that will lead to my legacy?
What is the path that will soon be the end of me?
Maybe it's the same one and I'm on it
I'm ill, no one told me dreaming was a chronic
disease, I want to relieve it by living my dreams
Harsh reality keeps me from being medicated, its seems
Society don't want me on top, I'll get shot down with arrows
If I motivate the hoods to dream, democracy is in peril
To get back, they set back those criminal lives
Education is the road less traveled to create critical minds
Every step you take, the history of the world you change
Your imprint forever embedded in this world of pain
Tears never shed in public, just behind closed doors
There lies the destination of what you don't know no more
Directionless, you're lost, you have no destiny
This isn't guidance to what you are meant to be
But encouragement to keep pushing for that compass
if you go outside the elites agenda, you will be punished
But its those risks you take that will alleviate
the impoverished, politics are what incarcerates
to make those profits, that world don't need no prophet
It needs actions with words, start your quest
what happens next might be war, but no worries
a warrior dies for his convictions
if you don't have any, then listen
Illuminate your road to see where it's leading
Stare in the eyes of injustice, its the people that you believe in

The Best Experience of My Life Thus Far

It's been a full week since the program started. CLOP. There is nothing like it. I have never been so humbled or so proud to be a reference and a mentor to students who needed it most. As much as I want to write on it, the experiences and the feelings are truly indescribable and genuine. One thing I would note is that these students broke me. I never cry but I cried like a chillon. I couldn't help it. As much as we motivated and instilled belief in these students, they inspired me. It allowed me to fulfill a dream of mine to inspire my people. I saw that when I see the thanks they gave me. In one of my poems I said if I never inspire, I'll stop the pen. Stop writing. Stop trying. But now I am more motivated then ever to help. There is nothing in this world that I want more. There is nothing in this world that fulfills me. This is what I meant for. I want to thank all those in my green team! Those who helped me out. I will forever be thankful to Alex for giving me the team leader position. I want to thank Fern for making the program to what it is. I want to thank my parents for raising me into the man that I am. I want to thank God for everything. They may never come across this, it doesn't matter to me. I want to thank them publicly. CLOP is the first step for me helping my people as much as I can. Like I told my team, my father told me to shoot for the stars to fall on the clouds but I told him I wasn't down with that if I shoot for the stars I'm going to hit the damn stars. Dream big to achieve big. Believe in yourself and the goals because if you don't, don't try to achieve them. Again I humbled and eternally thankful. CLOP started one week ago and the program ended on Saturday, but the essence of CLOP lasts forever. I'll never be the same again. G- what? G- SQUAD!!

One Text I recieved:
I just wanted to say THANX. This weekend was a life changing experience It made me happy because I know what ima do with my life. I want to be in Hermanos Unidos. I want to be like you guys. I hope it goes the way I want to because thats my only option going and finishing college. I hope you don't forget about me cus I could really use your advice in the future.

I will leave the student anonymous.

All love everything

It’s no longer the working man
It’s called the working fam
Where other force their hands
To do things they shouldn’t be doin’
That’s why the need for more positive influence
So they can stop the stupid things they’re choosin’
To do
So let’s proceed
It’s about you, it ain’t about me
But I will expose the exploiters
Innocence and idealism died with Tom Sawyer
So why treat people worse than the soil for?
Down with rich class, time to hoist the poor
My experiences make me delirious
What? You don’t catch my drift?
Let me run your conscience
Because you shouldn’t be steering it
I’m here to lift those in poor spirits
I’m here the shift the center to the margins
So I can clearly hear ‘em
To tell them I really do beg your pardon
I’m letting you know you shouldn’t dim the light of the comets
The people are the fuel to the progress
Forget the preposterous process of profit
At the expense of the common folk
Believe me love and respect are profitable
To get it, you got to defy logic so
To understand that this ain’t no binary
The load to let that world know is mine to carry